Refreshed/Depressed

After a long weekend of too much work and too little sleep, I decided to take Monday and Tuesday off to refresh and relax. It was blissful. I could wake up whenever I wanted to, I didn’t have to check voicemail or answer constant emails. I didn’t even have to get dressed. It was just what I needed.

It was absolutely gorgeous both days, warm and sunny and perfect. Luke and I worked together outside. I started putting in a new flower bed, I moved plants around, I went out shopping and wandered around a nursery picking out new plants, I played in the dirt all day. It was fabulous.

It was also wonderful to spend time with Luke during the day. Both days he came home from work around 9:30 in the morning, we had breakfast, then went out to play. He went to bed around 4pm and slept until he had to get up for work. We had a great two days and yesterday afternoon I felt refreshed and relaxed and happy. Then Luke went to bed.

I stayed outside until it got too dark to garden. I went inside and wandered around the kitchen trying to figure out what to do. If it’s just me eating, I’d rather not cook. I cook for other people. I don’t cook for myself. I made dinner anyhow, figuring Luke could take leftovers for “lunch”. (What do you call a meal at 4am?) I sat on the couch. I talked to my dad. I watched Gilmore Girls. And I felt lonely. This part of the new schedule is not my favorite and I know that I need to get over it because I’m being selfish and making myself unhappy. Luke does better when he sleeps during this part of the day, but I really hate it because on days when I’m not playing hooky from work, all I see of him is twenty minutes of the the sleepy-eyed, quiet, grumpy Luke getting ready to leave for work.

So I fidgeted all night. I folded laundry. I made cookies (they came out terrible). I checked my email. I bought something on ebay. And then I woke Luke up to go to work. He left in a hurry because he forgot that he needed to leave early to get gas, and he was worried about finding a gas station that was open that close to midnight. He left, I tried to go to sleep, but I was so worried about him running out of gas on the highway and since his motorcycle, his gear, his helmet and everything he had on was black, I was worried about some car not seeing him and hitting him. I was a nervous wreck. I managed to calm my mind about that, and then I heard a noise in the house. Or at least I thought I heard a noise. Molly barked. I was scared. I couldn’t sleep. I finally dozed off with the light on and Molly barked again and woke me up. It was not a restful night’s sleep.

So today, another beautiful spring day, I should be feeling recharged and calm and ready to be back at work. Instead I’m grumpy and depressed and sleepy. I can’t focus and I’m scaring everyone away with my scowling. Life was so much better (the last two days) when I wasn’t working. Aha… maybe this is my solution. Or maybe I just need some caffeine. Either way, sorry for the whining, I just needed to vent.

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One Comment

  1. I don’t think you’re being selfish. You’re just trying to get in the groove of the new schedule, that’s all.

    Reply

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